Add to Goodreads
Synopsis
beautiful wife and adorable son. But Randy’s living a lie, untrue to himself
and everyone who knows him. He’s gay.
thought could change him, have failed. He doubts if anyone can love him for who
he really is—especially himself.
explore the gay world he’s hidden from all his life.
Fire Department, is comfortable in his own skin as a gay man, yet he can never
find someone who shares his desire to create a real relationship, a true
family.
in Chicago’s Boystown, all kinds of alarms go off—some of joy, others of
deep-seated fear.
hurdles on the journey to a lasting, meaningful love. Will they succeed or will
their chance at love go up in flames, destroyed by missed connections and a
lack of self-acceptance?
Excerpt
gone before, I want my passing to be peaceful and free of the discord and pain
I’ve lived with for as long as I can remember. I want it to be easy.
Effortless. Guilt-free.
to be seen.
boutique hotel off Michigan Avenue. The Crewe House has been standing on this
same ground on Oak Street for at least a hundred years. The rooms are small,
fussy, and charming, with flocked wallpaper, four-poster beds, and claw-foot
tubs and pedestal sinks in their black-and-white bathrooms. It’s charming, and
I deserve something nice to gaze at before I close my eyes for good.
lit, and the fragrance is warm, enveloping. Their soft flicker is the only
illumination. Outside, the winter sky darkens early. Dusk’s cobalt blue makes
silhouettes of the water towers, train tracks, and buildings to the west of the
hotel. Near the horizon the sky is a shade of lavender that mesmerizes me,
makes me think of changing my mind. If a sky like this can exist, with its
electric bands of color, maybe the world isn’t such a horrible place.
into whatever comes next? I have a bottle of Veuve Cliquot, my favorite
champagne, uncorked and resting in a silver ice bucket, filled with melting
ice. A flute stands next to it, waiting.
the bubbly.
the cassette I have in my boombox, Abbey Road. I have it queued up to “Golden
Slumbers.”
a long time.
the four-poster. I’ll pull the eiderdown duvet loosely over me and close my
eyes.
brain becoming a soft velvety fog, and I’ll simply fall into the arms of a
comforting—and obliterating—slumber.
research into this method of offing myself runs counter to this gentle fantasy,
but I don’t want to consider the downside of overdosing on strong barbiturates.
being able to become the man I know I should be.
staring out at the deepening twilight. They don’t deserve this: what you’re
going to leave them with. I know the voice inside, the one that’s always made
me do the right thing, at the expense of my very being, is right. And even
though they don’t deserve it, you know they will hurt, of course they will, but
in the end, they’ll be better off.
seem to make himself straight, despite trying therapy, the Catholic Church, the
Buddhist faith, self-help groups, and self-help books. A group of pathetic
married men meeting once a month and thinking they can change. Nothing works.
If I could change, I would.
three options:
that? I’d be a failure as a husband, a father, a son, a brother. I’d go on
wearing this suffocating mask. I’d continue to live a life that’s essentially a
lie.
me.
mirage made of wishes, impossible hopes, and self-hatred.
never was.
down and brace myself against the attractions I feel, the dreams that pop up in
my sleep despite my desperately not wanting them there. I could hold myself
back from falling prey to the temptations I feel on the streets, the subway,
the locker rooms—everywhere I encounter a beautiful man.
I can’t resist. Not anymore.
have to choose—remove myself from the pain. Remove myself from existing as this
broken thing that God nor man can fix.
way to move on, and they’ll be happier, more anchored in life without me.
deep down, doesn’t want what his wife has to offer? Or worse, a dad who
contracts the death sentence of AIDS?
not part of my plan. Tonight, I go out peacefully. I’ll shut my eyes and
remember things like my joy six years ago when Henry was born and seeing him
take his first breath. I shouted, “We got a boy!” and fell into the deepest,
most effortless love I’ve ever felt. I’ll remember proposing to Violet when we
were both college sophomores and the thrill when she accepted the cheap
diamond-chips ring I gave her. Things will be okay now, I remember thinking. I
can change.
love Violet as best I can.
good enough.
pills on the nightstand. There are thirty of them, and I intend to take them
all, two or three at a time. If it takes the whole bottle of champagne to get
them down, well, things could be worse. No?
against the dark wood, so innocent, yet so lethal.
sudden knock on the door. Loud. Forceful. Urgent.
penetrates the heavy wood of the door, making her sound muffled.
hope she goes away.
got the letter, the one neatly folded and an arm’s length away on the
nightstand.
the bottle, then hide the container in a nightstand drawer.
door.
Purchase
NineStar Press | Amazon | Smashwords | Barnes & Noble
Meet the Author
Real Men. True Love.
Rick R. Reed draws inspiration from the lives of gay men to craft stories that quicken the heartbeat, engage emotions, and keep the pages turning. Although he dabbles in horror, dark suspense, and comedy, his attention always returns to the power of love. He’s the award-winning and bestselling author of more than fifty works of published fiction and is forever at work on yet another book. Lambda Literary has called him: “A writer that doesn’t disappoint…” Rick lives in Palm Springs, CA with his beloved husband and their fierce Chihuahua/Shiba Inu mix.
Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Goodreads | Instagram
Giveaway
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅
We are (slowly) working on updating old posts to the new format and removing old tour/blitz posts that are now missing key assets – please be patient with us, there are a lot of posts to go through, we’ve been doing this since 2016! Any tour/blitz posts that contained a review and are now missing key assets will be updated to review posts so the reviews remain accessible
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅
We’re doing our best to get everything up on the site and social media in a timely manner. Apologies if anything is missed or late! Between the state of the US right now, mental/physical health problems, and some things going on in our personal lives, things may be missed or late occasionally. We truly appreciate your understanding! Feel free to reach out to Lily if you notice something missing.
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅
Mental Health Resources for those in the USA – In light of the recent election, we want to put out a message that LGBTQIA+ and minorities are always welcome here. We may post promos in conjunction with tour companies that spout worldviews we don’t always agree with, but we do our best to avoid any openly phobic posts, and should you notice any, we’d appreciate you contacting us with this form to let us know.
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅