If We Were Stars
by Eule Grey

Blimey. The last thing Kurt wants is to wear a space helmet, and, no, they didn’t plan on saving the world either—Not before their eighteenth birthday anyway. Who’d have thought friending a lonely alien would lead to the Cape Canaveral launch pad.

Best friends since they were ten years old, Kurt O’Hara and Beast Harris tackle the typical teenage challenges together: pronouns, AWOL bodies, not to mention snogging. A long-distance relationship with an alien named Iuvenis is the least of their troubles.

Kurt loves programming, people-pleasing, and yellow dresses. Most of all, Kurt loves Beast.

Beast adores elephants, protest marches, and Kurt. Rules?—Nah. Humanity’s way down on Beast’s list of to-dos.

Beast and Kurt, Kurt and Beast. The end. Exactly how their love turns into a scene from Red Dwarf is anyone’s guess. Spaceships? NASA at the doorstep? No biggie. As long as they’re together, Kurt and Beast can survive anything.

Except, apparently, lift-off. Because nobody considered sensory issues, did they? Nope. NASA never made adjustments for neurodivergent astronauts. Unbelievable.

Will science be enough to blast Kurt and Beast—unlikely superheroes—into space to save the planet? Or will it take something much more extraordinary?

5 out of 5 fairies

This book was so well-written, and draws you into not only Kurt and Beast’s world, but the adventure of a lifetime. Grey does an amazing job of showcasing the ways Kurt and Beast experience the world, and it’s in a way that’s easy to understand, even if you haven’t had those experiences before yourself. Once the tension ramps up, the story doesn’t let you go (I flew through this in one sitting, I just didn’t want to stop reading). The imagery is vivid, and it’s like watching everything unfold in front of you, while getting to hear Kurt’s inner voice as they narrate. Kurt and Beast might be unlikely superheroes, but they’ll always hold a special place in my heart, and I won’t soon be forgetting this book!

Outside, the air is heavy and still, as if waiting for a storm. In the darkness, the lights of faraway stars are beautiful and profound. Beast catches me staring and links her arm with mine. I know she’s thinking about all the times we’ve gazed up into the skies from our garden while our parents slept.

We climb silently into an Astro van waiting to take us to the launch pad. In the three weeks since our arrival, NASA has been transformed from a lethargic hopeless pit into a hive of activity. Helicopters circle overhead. A team of armed guards stands with assault rifles I’ve only seen on TV.

Beast grips my hand. “Shit.”

Major Green pats her shoulder kindly. “Don’t worry. They’re here to protect you.” He chuckles. “Or to stop you from running. Today is a drill. I thought it would be best for you to experience everything before the big day.”

Tomorrow is the big day.

We get into the van and ride out to the launch pad, inky black all around us. The only light on the horizon is the shuttle, which expands as we approach.

We stand on the launch pad and look up at the Star.

“How’s it feel?” Major Green asks.

Reality hits me with a thump. Up to standing before the spacecraft, I hadn’t believed in any of it. Going into space? Things like that didn’t happen to people like Beast and me.

Looking up at the gigantic spaceship towering seventeen stories high, I finally understand the facts. Beast, Sara, and I will enter space to meet a species we know nothing about except how much Iuvenis enjoyed old films and the kindness they showed Beast when she was sick. “Honestly, I’m a bit panicky. If we leave it until now to start the reading, it might be too late.”

Major Green physically gathers us together with long, strong arms. “Okay. Next time, we’ll begin in the Astro van. Now we’re going into the Star to try out the seating and so you can get used to the layout. Next, we’ll enter while reading the account. Okay? Is everyone okay?”

I decide never to use the word ‘okay’ ever again.

We take an elevator up to the launch platform and make one last stop at a bathroom—the Last Toilet on Earth, according to Rani and Meng. The ground crew takes us across the orbiter access arm one at a time. It looks a bit like the passageway between an airplane and the ladder. Everyone is calm, respectful, and friendly. Once inside the Star, the ground crew straps us in.

The difference between the Star and a simulator is that we are suspended in the sky with nothing but air, metal, and clever theories between us and the aliens.

After a while, we climb out and back down to the launch pad for round two. Everyone is calm and collected. I don’t feel much of anything except vague hunger.

The captain holds up his hand. “Kurt. Begin.”

On a launch pad, in front of a gigantic spacecraft, I recite the first lines of the story Beast and I wrote as a parting gift to my unborn sibling. “Ten footsteps to the left, ten footsteps to the right. I’m ten years old, pacing the corridor outside the headteacher’s office, wearing one shoe, reeking of fear.”

We recount my story exactly how we’d practiced. Everything goes like clockwork. We take the elevator up to the launch platform and use the bathroom. We pause the account while we are escorted across the access arm, just as we’d planned. Once inside the Star, Sara resumes. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Meng, Rani, and Major Green do their checks and communicate with Houston while keeping tally with their lines. Incredibly, the major’s plan works. Beast and I are calm, focused. Sara sits between us, holding a hand each, offering soothing words. I don’t think about what we’re doing or of my unborn sibling. I don’t even think about my mother so many miles away. I only think about our lines and the tapestry holding us safe and steady.

We survive three hours of preparation. Major Green begins the countdown. Everything is as perfect as it can be until…

It’s not.

Major Green reaches number three, llamas, when the buzzing in my head finally reaches the final neurotransmitter—or whatever—and stops. A silence I have not known since I was ten fills my head. The buzzing is revealed. I understand something I’ve struggled with for eight years.

A lot of things happen very fast. I throw off my helmet and scramble for the door. There are shouts, but I don’t know where or who from. I haven’t experienced such intense panic since I was a kid.

I have to get out.

I have to get out.

I have to get out.

Lily:  Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Eule, I’ve gotten really wrapped up in If We Were Stars. What were the key challenges you faced when writing this book?

Eule: Thank you so much for having me, Lily! It’s so great to be here again. 

The biggest challenge when writing this story was staying authentically neurodivergent in style and craft while making sense to neurotypical readers. I’ve felt for a while that a gap exists within queer literature and art; a space for ND artists to create freely, without pretense. As someone who masks to work, it’s difficult to stop doing so in writing. I hope I found a voice that is authentic to my community. ☺

Lily:  I thought you did a great job balancing the two out. Which character would you want to spend a day with? What would you do?

Eule:  Beast. I’d go with her to a protest march and get involved with her causes. I share many of her planetary concerns. And, I love to be around others who are passionate and who care. There’s too much coolness in the world, lol.

Lily:  I think that’d be a fun and productive day! What is your favorite line/scene from your book?

Eule: Hmm. The last NASA broadcast. I love how Captain Alison gradually loses her inhibitions and screams her love down the wires. ☺ And, of course, seeing Kurt and Beast succeed in saving the world and stopping ableism is awesome and makes me cry. If I could do this for the disabled community, I absolutely would.

Lily:  It was a beautiful moment, and I’d love to see a perfect world where ableism was no longer a problem. If you had to trade places with one character, who would it be?

Eule:  Beasts’s mum Sara. I love that she goes with Kurt and Beast into space, and supports them whatever happens. Mums are the best. ☺

Lily:  I totally agree! Now we’d like to talk about you as a writer. Have you always wanted to be a writer?

Eule:  Always! For a long time, I thought I’d be no good at it or, more specifically, that nobody would understand my stories. I’m a sculpture artist too, and I tried to create the stories I wanted to tell through form and structure. But in the end, I wrote with a friend and quickly became immersed in our work.

Lily:  That’s awesome, I’m glad you took the plunge and started writing. Who are some of your favorite authors that you feel were influential in your work?  What impact have they had on your writing?

Eule: Margaret Attwood, the Brontes, and many of the early MM Romance writers. I also love the ND zine artist Stephen Fraser. I read a lot and quickly. The books that have stayed with me are ones where the author has been bold and tried to say something authentic. I’m also a huge fan of poetry. I’ll read anything, as long as it speaks to me.

Lily:  That’s a great range of authors, and I understand what you mean about authors being bold and authentic. What do you need in your writing space to help you stay focused?

Eule: I need quiet and to know that I won’t be disturbed. When I’m busy or stressed, it’s almost impossible to write. Deadlines and/or an interesting submission call work well for me.

Lily:  I can definitely relate on needing to not be interrupted! Let’s finish up with some fun questions and get inside your mind. What’s the most imaginative/funniest insult or compliment you can come up with? (or have heard)

Eule:  I always laugh when someone says I’m as much use as a chocolate teapot, lol. They’re probably right but at least I’d taste good. ☺

Lily:  Lol, I’ve never heard that expression but I love it. If you could design a planet, what would your perfect planet look like?

Eule:  Lots of trees and flowers, animals and wilderness, with a slower pace than on our planet. I work frontline in a busy public environment, so I enjoy getting away from it all.

Lily:  Sounds like a beautiful planet. Would you rather live in a nice house in a boring town or a rough house in an exciting town?

Eule:  Nice house! I might not find the town boring, though. I’d probably like it hahah.

Lily:  Nothing wrong with wanting to live somewhere small and quiet, sometimes it’s just what you need. How can readers discover more about you and your work?

Eule:  At the links below

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