Writing Sex Scenes
by special guest A P von K’Ory

Sex is genre-specific. We all know that. I confess I love writing my sex scenes a lot. For the simple reason that I write them primarily for me. Perhaps that’s why I keep them few and far between but long and intense. My true fantasies, what I want and already know, what I was reluctant about but blew my world when I tried it, and even what I tried and was disappointed with. I dip into every libidinous well of my womanhood. When I get to my sex scenes I become my heroine and it’s all about that woman in me. Of course she’s never one static recycled woman with every sex scene – who is?

But yes, skill to create an immersive and emotional sex scene is a must for me. I’ve read sex scenes that I skipped over with a muttered For heaven’s sake, rolling my eyes. It doesn’t mean the scenes were not up to it – it means they weren’t my “up to it”. Quite frankly, I’m not even sure there’s a right and wrong way to do this.

But in general there is a way to write some dead good sex scenes.

Asking some questions helps.

Is the scene even necessary at that point in time?

In romance novels, sex scenes are the eggs you need to make your omelette. In speculative fiction or mystery, it may not be mandatory.

Sex may sell in Hollywood, but the written word is more nuanced than film. It’s a mistake to think you need sex scenes in your novel just to snatch your reader’s attention. Other means – pacing, characterization and plotting – achieve your goal much more effectively IMHO. So let them do the heavy lifting. Never add gratuitous sex – it might skew the plot, interrupt the pacing or even cheapen the story, destroying your characterization or making the reader feel insulted. 

Focus on your characters and determine whether they’d actually want sex at that point in their story. We writers are so attuned to our characters that when we force them into round holes when they want squares, we sense it. The natural flow jerks and judders, fluidity and harmony disappear. It feels like forcing a child who hates it to eat broccoli. Tune in here to your writer dual role of voyeur and recorder. Give your characters the freedom to make their own choices.

And ask yourself whether the sex scene moves the story forward. Sometimes, implied sex is more impactful than a sex scene. The same goes for detailed descriptions.

Sex scenes can and do get raw. Those limbs, the sounds, sweat, lengths and girths and tightness, wetness, the river stone nipples and sensitive nubs. If these make you cringe, scrap them until your modesty mode can cope. 

Here’s where I separate my thoughts from who my reader will be. Here’s where I become me and write the scene for me. Here’s where as a writer you write down what your characters are doing. The clearer it is to you, the clearer it will be to your reader.

You have to be absolutely convinced this sex scene is integral to your story’s plot. If your characters tell you they’re ready for this, give it to them sans your sense of embarrassment to weaken the story. Go for it. This is your moment for show, don’t tell.

Never is that advice more important than with a sex scene. Show that bead of sweat running down a temple or dripping from the tip of a nose. Say how that hiss of pleasure displays gritted teeth or sprays particles of spittle in the air. Is that a low moan or a strangled scream? Positions adjusted? Eyes darkened? Movements slow or fast? Kisses gentle or hungry? You get it.

Above all else, don’t lose the pacing. Depending on how you do it, an entire chapter of sex might lose momentum or get irritating. But well-paced, two chapters will leave the reader still panting for more.  The audience also makes a difference. YA (ages 12-18) and NA (ages 18-30+) have their individual preferences. Know when to apply restraint. My barometer is always my characters – I live them and they live me. If I force them anywhere, they rebel; if they manipulate me where I don’t see them, I rebel. 

Good thing I’m the dictator! 

A word about third person POV in sex scenes: don’t hop around. Get into one characters head and let it all occur through their POV. The other person will be represented by the POV’s reactions, both verbal and physical. Sticking to one POV helps focus the reader. Don’t give them a peep show because that eradicates the intimacy. 

Tension reigns whether it’s a thriller, horror, fantasy or sci-fi. It also reigns in the sex scenes. What’s at stake before, during and after? What will be the consequences if it’s a one-night stand? Broken hearts and relationships? Age gap? Illicit liaisons? Even with married couples, create a conflict during sex. Use the sex scene for character development. Don’t end a chapter with sex and start the next as if the sex didn’t happen. Something has to come out of the characters having had sex, even if it’s in a brothel.

Fall asleep together wrapped in love? Wake up together in disgust? Wake up with one already gone? Messages left? Effect of the message on the recipient?

Sex must change your characters or it serves no purpose in the story. 

Lastly, in real life, there might be a necessary break to go check on the crying baby, answer that insistently ringing phone, shout at the neighbor pounding on the front door for an emergency, or – horror of horrors – the sex partner skips off mid-matters to empty that awful bladder.

Not in a story. Verboten. Nada. Nyet. 

Unless it contributes something significant to the story, e.g. a rom-com.

And when you finally have the scene done, let it brew for a day or so, then read it again. No changes? Great! You must have had fun writing the scene.

UNTAMEABLE Series

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